Command and Conquer Red Alert 3's matchmaker is pretty amazing. It's so amazing in fact, it was hard coming up with this list of things it could do better. However, we thought long and hard about it, and here are the top seven things the Red Alert 3 match maker needs to do in order to improve our experience using it.
7. Make you wait longer
Seriously, what’s the big hurry? Why enjoy the satisfaction that comes with turning your opponent’s units into piles of scrap metal, when you can just fap off to the poster that was included in box? Surely that’s a better use of your time than playing. In fact, you are probably a terrorist if you don’t want to wait longer to be matched with an opponent.
Besides, everyone’s in too much of a hurry these days. We could all use a little quality time to ourselves and posters of women that we are never going to have sex with (well, speak for yourselves, I had sex with my poster yesterday…)
6. Play a David Hasselhoff music video before starting the game
Nobody can deny the utter awesome that is David Hasselhoff. He was the guy who made it cool to have a side-kick talking car in Knight Rider and to be surrounded by copious amounts of huge bouncing breasts in Baywatch. And yes, we’re absolutely sure that those things wouldn’t have been cool without the Hoff. So what better way to improve Red Alert 3’s automatch system other than to play a full length Hasselhoff music video before it starts the game?
5. Play the sound of a baby being cut in half by a chainsaw while you wait
Let’s face it, the music that plays while waiting for a match is pretty boring. While it’s better than elevator music, it doesn’t get you fired up with that psychotic killer blood lust you need in order win your match. This is where the sound of a baby being cut in half by a chainsaw comes in.
4. Steal your identity, report all your pirated downloads to the authorities, and wipe out your collection of porn
In otherwords, act like the most frightening computer virus ever, but one with a moral purpose: to keep you honest. You know what the biggest crime about Red Alert 3’s online service is? It’s not the fact that it doesn’t work. It’s not the fact that it lacks basic features like, say, sorting player names alphabetically. No, it’s that it doesn’t take full advantage of its invasion of your privacy! What kind of self respecting online service doesn’t try and keep you honest?
Oh and the stolen identity thing is just a bug with the SAGE engine. We can assure you, it will get fixed eventually…
3. Rape you
Currently the automatch system sucks your soul out through your ass and feeds it to Jack Thompson, which might not be everyone’s cup of awesome. It would be nice if it took a softer approach, and simply raped you instead.
The problem with it feeding your soul to Jack Thompson instead of matching you with your opponent like its supposed to, is that it tends to make you start a legal crusade against video games for absolutely no legitimate reason. At least if it was a simple rape job, you’re still left with desire to play the game, rather than hate it completely. And as a bonus, you won’t be permanently disbarred from practicing law in Florida.
2. Destroy the Sun
You know all that talk about global warming and climate change? Well, don’t believe a word any of those crazies are saying about our carbon emissions or SUVs causing climate change. You want to know the real culprit? The sun. That’s right folks. It’s the sun that’s been causing this climate change all along! If EA truly wanted to make your life better, they would just make the automatch system fire a missile into the sun to stop this global warming catastrophe.
And as an added bonus, it will help push the Nexus closer to Earth so we can all pretend to enjoy a match maker that actually works. Cool points if you know what movie this references. Hint: facepalm.
1. Keep using GameSpy!
GameSpy is easily the best online service provider ever. The only thing that would make Red Alert 3’s automatch system better, is to keep the status quo: use GameSpy, and never improve upon it. It’s already perfect, so trying to make it better would probably just break it.
With GameSpy, you get the full package deal: lack of arranged team automatch, absolutely no way to automatically track and punish disconnectors, unnecessary and childish profanity filter, and enough connection problems to last you a lifetime. Does it get much better than that? We don’t think so.
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